Boundary Setting and Mental Health...
/Boundaries are a fact of life.
Homes and businesses have doors, walls, and even fences that clarify private and public space. All cultures have customs and beliefs regarding physical contact and how close, or far, people should sit and stand from each other.
Boundaries are a way of showing respect to ourselves and to others.
Sadly, many of us struggle asking somebody who is standing too close to step back a bit ….. or saying “no” when asked for the umpteenth time to do something we don’t want to do by our friends, family members, or spouse. How do we correct this? How do we learn to maintain personal and emotional boundaries with others? We learn about them. We practice setting them. And, we keep setting them until we feel comfortable and confident doing so!
What are Boundary Violations?
Mental and emotional boundary violations take place when:
People fail to respect another’s time, bodies, property, feelings, resources, and/or obligations.
People fail to check their own behavior and how it might impact others.
Relationships develop a pattern of being one-sided and exploitative.
Examples of Relationship Boundary Violations
Boundary violations in relationships can take many different forms. Here are a few examples:
A friend contacts you frequently about personal problems that she is having. These requests often come late at night or during the hours that you work. You try telling your friend that you have to go to sleep or have to continue working, but she either ignores you or makes a snide remark about your need to disconnect.
A neighbor continually asks you to watch her children while she runs errands or gets called into work. These requests are usually last-minute and you aren’t paid for your babysitting.
One of your brothers routinely calls you to complain and ask questions about another family member, someone you get along with. He knows you get along with this other relative, and insinuates that you are a bad, disloyal sibling for liking someone that he doesn’t.
These are three very different scenarios. Yet, they all have a few things in common: The person violating your boundaries is failing to consider your needs, desires, and feelings. In addition, these interactions leave you feeling drained, stressed, and unhappy.
Why People Violate Boundaries
It’s important to note that people who violate boundaries aren’t necessarily doing so out of malice. Instead, they may themselves have a poor understanding of boundaries. They may also be genuinely suffering due to mental (and physical) health issues, personal losses, relationship problems, or other issues and are desperate for empathy and support.
On the other hand, there are people who violate boundaries because they don’t care that they are taking advantage or harming others. Unless you know a person very well, it can be difficult to discern their motivations.
Interestingly, the best way to determine which kind of person you are dealing with is to actively set and maintain a boundary. People who are acting in good faith will respect and honor boundaries; those who aren’t concerned about you, or your needs, may argue with you, persist or even increase their boundary violations, or end the relationship entirely. While these reactions can be painful and upsetting, they also let you know that your relationship isn’t a healthy one.
Tips for Setting Boundaries
If you realize the need for setting effective boundaries but aren’t sure where to begin, here are some ideas:
Learn how to define your needs with compassion and honesty. If you are feeling drained by someone’s constant requests for attention and support, let them know:
“I understand that you are unhappy right now. Unfortunately, I don’t have the energy to be a support person for you. I hope you can get the help you need from others.”
“I’m working/sleeping/reading/spending time with family. If you want to get together to talk about this, let’s set up a time to have coffee. Does Saturday at 1 pm work?”
“Because of my family history, these issues you are having are difficult for me to deal with. I value you and want to remain your friend, but I am not the person to come to with this.”
or one of my faves from Kyle Gray: “I am sorry you feel like that/that you are overwhelmed and I want nothing but the best for you. You deserve to be happy. But right now I can’t help you with that. So I’m going to say “no” to you so I can say “yes” to myself. Thank you for understanding. I love you.”. (I find that I use a condensed version of this often and it is usually well received).
Set limits on technology. One reason why boundary setting is so difficult these days is that most of us are way too accessible. Put your phone on silent mode, disable notifications on social media, and resist the urge to respond to communications immediately. (You can customize settings so that family members can always reach you in an emergency.)
Let go of the idea that self-sacrifice and always “being there” for others is what defines your worth as a human being. Supporting others is important but doing so needs to be on your terms. Self-care means taking care of your needs for sleep, healthy eating, socializing, and time alone.
One more thing: developing boundaries can be a difficult and confusing process. Seeing a therapist or joining a support group can prove helpful. And, please remember it takes time to master, so practice, practice, practice ….. 😊
